Passive

When in recovery is there such thing as passive recovery. Active using and active recovering are certainly different. But can you be passively recovering? Isn’t that just passively using. Which just is active using.

Active does not indicate awareness. Conscious is not active. Active just means it is taking a presence in your life in a commanding way. That the addiction is in control.

The problem is that you can’t passively live your life. That is the Catch 22 in it all. To take control of you, the only thing that you truly control, and take control of recovery you now have two major active responsibilities in your life. And yes, they are very much related, but they are unique and different in their own ways.

To fight off the cravings and to understand and untangle the psychological triggers of an addiction versus to truly learn to take agency for your actions and how you react to what occurs in your life. And so the problem is that as one focuses on more and more the chance for burnout climbs.

Burnout is about the width of things you are focused on, not the depth. If you had to over see a lot in one particular area of your life, then it would be far more easier than overseeing a little in multiple areas. That’s why I think CEO’s don’t burnout. They design their life to be about work. Everything else – maids, cooks, nannies, drivers, is handled by others.

But with recovery and with trying to truly be free, the active focus means that you already have two of your spots filled in, guaranteed. So you have to pick wisely on your next handful of priorities. Is it health? Relationships? Family commitments? Work? Hobbies? Friends? Money?

And then what about the layers in those sub-categories. Work – well how much are you taking on at work exactly? 1 project or 5? Friends – how many different friend groups are you juggling?

The crux is that I think as an addict, I want it all. Somewhere in my brain I think I can do it all. Because I’m a perfectionist. One of the classic signs, ironically enough, of an addict.

So I spread myself too thin easily. And burnout increases easily.

Or things active activities turn to passive.

And if you aren’t actively recovering then you aren’t recovering.

I am starting to understand the complexities of it all more and more. It’s a big Jenga game.

But it’s also beautiful in a way. It feels like I’m at a new level of life. That I can see things I hadn’t seen before. I never wish to go back to how it was. I am just starting to comprehend the level of commitment that will take for the rest of my life.