House of Cards

Spend so much of my life plotting my moves. Making sure that I’m doing the “right thing.” Can’t be wrong.

When you spend your life second guessing yourself, questioning your motives, not trusting your decisions – you spend your life fighting your humanity.

To err is to be human.

Lesson I must have skipped in Kindergarten. Maybe I was sick that day.

First impressions count for everything.

Well what about the second, the third, the 50th? When can I release the tension of expectations and perfectionism?

How do you reconcile who you are with who you are expected to be?

The rub of is finding out the expectations come from you. Of course, you’ve been coached and molded along the way. Family, teachers, friends, TV, whatever. The imprint of society has been left on you. Sometimes battered onto you.

But they aren’t living your life. So who I am is determined from myself?.

That is a lot of responsibility.

Especially if you don’t trust yourself.

What if you show your cracks? What if your whole existence is cracked?

Can’t go to the doctor, what if something is wrong. Can’t stop, what if the engine won’t turn again.

I feel it some days. When I rest. The rust builds. The anxiety creeps.

So I keep trucking. Keep smiling. Keep doing.

The foundation is unstable. I’m a child of engineers; I know it’s time to reinforce it. Some steel would do. But who can afford that in this economy?

Build the plane while you fly. That’s the trick.

Unless of course, you are actually a boat. A magnificent, majestic boat. Destined to sail and circumnavigate the oceans. And you’re stuck in the skies. Trying to keep the plane alive.

Well then you are fated to crash. Into the oceans where you belong, except you won’t know how to swim or stay afloat. You spent so much time investing in others, never invested in yourself.