Gratitude

When I first stopped drinking it’s because I got caught. The gig was up and now I must stop, I thought. I passed out on a lawn, missed a family event, and got took to the ER. Second time that happened the summer, wasn’t even legal to go to the bar.

I carried a feeling that this is happening to me and why God why into my 11 months of sobriety. Less sober, more abstaining. Looking at everyone else, struggling not restraining. It created negativity, something’s not wrong with me, it’s society.

July 4th of that year, I gave myself an out. Figured it would be just a couple of brews and led to a bout that lasted about 10 years – too long if I had just admitted 11 months prior that the problem was me.

But instead I looked for excuses. How alcohol wasn’t the problem, I didn’t need to say deuces.

Since stopping this time around – my life’s done a 180, for that I’m proud. Got married, a promotion, and lost 60 pounds.

Came to LA to be a writer, ended up being a drinker, since quitting it’s gotten me to do some thinking. Picked up music and am working on my first album. And as I type this this morning, I’m still sweating from my beach run.

I could point at all the things I do now to show, how great my life is now that I kicked the booze to the road. But the reality is that it’s only good because I admitted I wanted more. I was tired of waking up on the floor, head banging, and still going back to the store for more.

I spend too much time thinking about what I’m doing. Like actions make my life is meaningful, I need to stop that proving.

I love myself. I want to love myself. That’s why I stopped hurting myself.

Today I’m grateful for me. And that’s enough to not just abstain, but embrace sobriety.